The Call
by Satellite Falling
Summary: How Father Dominic came to be in love with a ghost and how he ends up being called to the church. Inspired by the Monthly Mediator Writing Challenge.
1. Chapter 1

I sigh heavily as I glance out the window of my office. While I love my job, being inside on a beautiful May afternoon is a definite drawback. I cross the small room to open a window inviting the ocean air in for a spell. Outside on the lawn, groups of primary school children are attempting to fly the kites they made in art class. They trip over their own feet and each other and I can see grass stains forming at their knees. Yelling encouragement to each other, some of their creations soar for a few brief moments before crashing down. Others kites flap sadly on the ground, trying to will themselves to soar while they remain earthbound resembling flopping fish out of water.

Looking past the younger children, I can see the 'tweens' lounging on their lunch hour. Suiting their title of being caught 'between child and teen', I can see some of them watching the kite flying escapade with a longing in their eyes--wanting to be just young enough to participate in such activities still without being deemed 'babyish' by their peers. I understand this longing well.

The other tweens keep an eye on the highschoolers strung out about the lawn, drunk from the sun and the promises of impending summer vacation. They are no doubt making their weekend plans, counting down the minutes until everyday is like a weekend.

Some of the seniors are horsing around with a Frisbee, while others chat animatedly in groups or on cell phones. Though it is a sin, I envy their freedom for a few moments. Are they thinking about where they will be when summer was over? Are they making plans for university to be over--the time when they will be unleashed on the world, all paths unfurled at their feet? I can only imagine what some of them are planning on doing after university. Remembering what my plans had been so many years ago, I marvel at the difference in what I had imagined I would be doing to what I had become.

Catching sight of Susannah and her friends CeeCee and Adam, I laugh out loud in spite of myself to think of Adam one day being called to the church or the idea of seeing Susannah fully regaled in a nun's outfit. Quickly growing sombre, I recall that never, not even in any wild dream or nightmare, had I planned on this path while I was still in high school. You can have an infinite number of plans and dreams in your head, but sometimes, what you want and what you get do not match, no matter what you do to make it so.

Stiffening a little when I see Paul Slater approach Susannah's group, I prepare myself to run out into the yard to stop someone from throwing the first punch. But no punches are thrown. Paul sits down on the lawn with them and I can only assume they are sharing a joke, because I can hear CeeCee's laugh all the way across the yard. I am amazed and awed at Susannah's restraint and the grace she has shown in forgiving Paul for the lengths he had gone to in an attempt to keep her and Jesse apart.

Such a powerful thing, the act of forgiveness. Oftentimes, I feel as though I am an exceedingly forgiving person and wonder if this was why I had been called to the church. Some days I was sure that my forgiving nature sealed my fate with God. Yet how can I not offer absolution to those who seek it out? Though I am part of the church and striving to live a righteous path, I am still so painfully human, making more mistakes than I care to acknowledge. I know how easy it was to cross the line, both intentionally and unintentionally. If I can be forgiven by the Almighty, who am I to turn my back on those around me?

There are those times, however, when small seeds of doubt sprout up, no matter how regularly I tried to weed them out before they can take root. How can I dole out forgiveness to others so readily, yet not even offer it to myself? And then I wonder if, in all of his divine forgiveness, if God will forgive me for the omission of one confession I have never made to any living soul.


	2. Chapter 2

"Dominic, there's something I have to tell you." Her voice trembled, her whole body shaking. I had never seen her like this. It frightened me.

Having transferred schools in early April due to my father's relocation, I hadn't really met more than a few people. The first time I'd seen Anna, she'd been throwing a punch at a senior who'd shoved a freshman into the school's pond. While slightly more common in the new millenium, a girl hitting anyone in 1965 was shocking. I didn't know her name, but I immediately became determined to find it out. Well, right after she'd returned from being suspended for three days.

Within weeks, Anna and I had become inseparable. I'd never met another like her. Strong-willed, determined, quick-tempered and strikingly beautiful. While others shied away from her because of her temper and problem resolution skills that generally involved her fists (for which she would swear was due to her Irish heritage and fiery red hair), I could not get enough. She had a sense of humour any comedian would die for, and a vocabulary that made me think she was raised by sailors.

So when she came to me that afternoon while I was working at my summer job doing grounds work at the local cemetery, I knew something monumental was wrong to shake her this much. We walked to a local park in silence The whole way there I racked my brain for the cause of her distress. _Moving? Illness? Wants to break up with me?_ At the last thought, I started to feel physically ill and I stumbled for a step. We'd only been together for 4 months, but I already knew I wanted this to last a lifetime. We were both young, she having only just turned 16, but it made no difference to us. It was only 2 more years until she would turn 18, then we would be golden. Our life—a life outside this city, outside of our parents' rules—would be laid in front of us. We merely had to take the first step. But that dream would never happen if she broke up with me now. I wanted to run away to prevent her from saying the words that would cause my blood to instantly freeze, but she held my hand so tightly, I knew I couldn't do it—even if she was going to break my heart.

We made our way to an oak tree that afforded us both the shade and privacy we needed. Holding her so tightly I was practically clinging to her, I assured her that she could tell me anything, absolutely anything, and I would understand. _Even if you shatter my dreams_, I thought sadly. My heart pounded so viciously against my ribs that I thought it was going to jar Anna out of my arms.

"I'm pregnant," she blurted out. Leaning her forehead against my chest, she proceeded to break down. My shirt was soaked within seconds.

Something in the back of my mind told me that this news should cause me to panic, that I really should get up and run, or that I, myself, should break down into tears but I couldn't. I couldn't feel panic, fear, sadness, or anger or even will my flight instinct to kick in. Because, the truth was, I was happy. Ecstatically, over the top, filled with joy. Luckily, Anna's face was still buried in my shirt, so she couldn't see the idiot-grin smeared on my face. How could I not be happy? She wasn't breaking up with me. SHE WASN'T BREAKING UP WITH ME! Everything else seemed so inconsequential.

Pulling her away from my chest, I wiped her face clean of tears and kissed her on the forehead.

'Anna,' I began, trying hard not to smile. 'There's no need to be so sad. Everything will work out just fine.'

'THEY WILL SEND ME AWAY,' she shrieked so loudly that an elderly couple passing by stopped to look. 'They will send me away and take the baby, _our_ baby, and we will never see it again.' She threw her head so hard against my chest that the breath was knocked out of me.

'Anna,' I pleaded. 'Anna, look at me.'

Drawing her head away from my throbbing chest, I held her face in my hands and wiped away the newest flood of tears. She was trying hard not cry any more, her deep breaths sounding like strangled, staccato gasps. I would have promised her anything at that point to try and quell the anguish she must have been going through since figuring out she was pregnant. The truth was, I wasn't sure what to tell her. Still mind-numb with happiness that she still wanted to be with me, I really felt like everything would be okay. Surely we weren't the first people that this had happened too. Far from it. And though she was right, most pregnant teens were sent to homes for unwed mothers, there were some who made alternative choices.

'Do you want to have this baby?' I asked hesitantly. I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted the answer to be.

After what seemed like an eternity, she slowly nodded.

'But it just isn't possible Dominic. We're too young. How could we take care of a baby? I don't know if I can even take care of _myself_!'

While she was trying to sound reasonable and practical, there was a pleading undertone in her voice—begging me to convince her that this could work out.

I paused before I answering her, but it wasn't out of hesitation. It took me a minute to quickly run through the possible scenarios in my mind, trying to assure myself that this could, in fact, work out.

'Of course we can do this Anna,' I told her, pulling her close to me again. Stroking her hair while I spoke, both of our breathing patterns finally settled into a regular rhythm. 'It won't be easy. It won't be easy by far. But people have done it before. I know we're young, but we won't be alone. We'll have each other. That's all we'll need. This is a gift from God--we can't waste it. He wouldn't have given it to us if he didn't think we could handle it.'

Anna snorted, chuckling slightly. '_You_ are talking about gifts from God,' she asked, eyebrows raised. 'You, who would like to do away with organized religion, believe this is a gift from God. I guess the news has sent you over the edge. You have obviously gone stark raving mad." She put her face in her hands, pinching the bridge of her nose.

'Organized religion and God have nothing to do with one another,' I argued. 'I never said that I didn't believe in God. In fact, this is the proof. Babies are miracles. Though I wouldn't have necessarily chosen now to receive this gift at this point in our lives, I won't turn this away.' I hastily added, 'Of course, if you really don't want to…'

'I do want this Dominic. I really do,' she quickly replied. 'It was just your God talk that threw me off. You truly believe that this will work?' she asked, looking up at me through long blond lashes still moist from her earlier tears.

Grazing my lips across hers, then kissing her nose, then her forehead, I mustered every ounce of reassurance I had and projected it into my voice.

'We will make this work. No child will be more loved.' I added somewhat more hesitantly, 'Nor will any wife be better taken care of.'

'Oh Dominic,' she sighed, then promptly burst into tears again, though, this time, they were tears of joy.

If only they could have all been tears of joy.


	3. Chapter 3

Luck came to us the following week. My uncle, Joe, came to visit for 3 days while attending a medical conference. Joe, my dad's brother, was one of my favourites because of his laid back, fun loving nature and his habit of doling out all of the change he had in his pockets to my brothers and myself whenever he came to visit. On this particular visit, Joe became my personal saviour.

As a kid, I had learned of Joe's story through low whispers among the adults tea time and over family dinners when I was finally old enough to sit at the 'big people' table. Joe had been 18 when he'd gotten his 15 year old girlfriend pregnant. Her family had actually sent her to a home for unwed mothers, but Joe 'busted' her out and they went to stay with her aunt who was sympathetic to their plight. They married 2 months before the baby was born and have been married for 16 years, going on to have 4 more children. He managed to put himself through medical school, becoming a pediatrician while his wife, Carol, finished her highschool diploma through night courses and had recently begun taking courses to get her teaching certificate. Half of the family revered them as heroes, dragging themselves out of a horrid situation and rising to the top. The other half still treated them like they were 15 and 18, gossiping about every perceived wrong, believing that it was only luck, not hard work that landed them where they were. As for me—I couldn't help but like them. They were kind people who obviously adored each other and their children. If they had managed to make it despite the odds, why couldn't Anna and I?

I was able to get Joe out of the house on the pretense of discussing the possibility of a career in medicine. My mother was over the moon to hear about my 'plans' and shooed Joe and I out of the house so that we could talk over 'coffee' at the local café. Joe was also impressed, beaming even, when we sat down in a red vinyl booth seat.

'Dominic, I had no idea you were interested in medicine," Joe said so enthusiastically that I felt a pang of guilt for lying to him. "There are so many different paths you could take. For instance, pediatrics is a field that is becoming high in demand these days, but surgery is also an exciting choice. Then there is the ever growing field of medical research….' Joe's voiced trailed off. I looked up when I noticed he had stopped speaking. I felt a blush creep into my cheeks when I realized he knew I hadn't been listening very closely. Joe looked at me intently for a full two minutes before speaking again

'How many months pregnant is she?' he asked, his voice tinged with sympathy.

I knew there was no point in trying to deny anything. Better to put my cards on the table now.

'The baby is due in April.' I couldn't even look him in the eye. I couldn't help but feel shame, embarrassment, a sense of desperation. Yet, underlying it all, there was such an overwhelming sensation of hope burbling up from within, I was afraid that Joe would quash it with a few simple words.

Joe whistled long and hard. 'Awww kid. You've got a tough road ahead of you. You know that don't you?'

'Yes, I know.' I still couldn't help but avoid his gaze.

'Are you sure this is what you want?' he asked, looking out the window. 'Because there are other options. Have you really, really thought about what this will mean? The sacrifices you—both of you—will be making? You know I am not preaching from a soapbox Dom. I've been there in the trenches. I can't even begin to tell you what you will go through.'

I mustered all of the nerve I could and looked Joe straight in the eye.

'I love her and I love this child. There is nothing more I need to know.' I replied forcefully. Hearing the tone of my voice, Joe turned to look at me. I adjusted my tone, adding, 'Well, nothing I need to know except…..can you help me?' I held my breath while waiting for his answer. Luckily, I didn't have to wait long.

Breaking into a smile, Joe reached over and squeezed my shoulder.

"Well, there's no need for a second opinion in this case. You need an expert and you have found one. Now,' he said taking a notebook and pen out of his coat pocket, a wide grin breaking across his face. 'Let's see what you're going to need.'

Finally, the possibilities seemed within reach. I felt lighter than I had in days and I knew we were going to make it.


	4. Chapter 4

We remained with our families for four more months, keeping our plans a secret from everyone, including Anna's two best friends. No one suspected a thing, despite the fact that, by the time Christmas came around, Anna was six months pregnant. She was still so slight that I found it hard to believe she was with child. When we were alone, however, I would wrap my hands around her belly and feel so much movement that I thought she would burst open in front of me. Luckily, Michigan winters necessitated the wearing of warm, bulky clothing that camouflaged her growing belly nicely.

While Joe made plans for us to join him and his family in California in a small city by the sea, aptly named Carmel-By-The-Sea, Anna and I continued on with our studies, counting down the days until we would begin a new life. I took on a job at a nearby grocery store, putting in as many hours as humanly possible in order to save as much money as I could to purchase plane tickets, baby supplies and an engagement ring. Joe and his wife were allowing us to take up residence in their basement for free in exchange for Anna agreeing to help out with childcare and tending to the house while Joe's wife, Carol, took the necessary college courses to finish her teaching diploma. I was going to finish out highschool and work part time while Anna would finish her highschool diploma through night courses the following year.

Any fears that arose were quickly quashed by heaping spoonfuls of optimism made possible by the support of Joe and Carol. Without Anna knowing it, I had Joe obtain the necessary paperwork so that we could marry when we arrived in California. I knew that we would need our parents permission because we were minors, but I figured I would be able to wrangle it out of them when we broke the news we were a) leaving b) pregnant and c) planning on keeping the child. I harbored high hopes that my intent to marry Anna would quell a great deal of the anger that was sure to arise when we made our announcement.

December 23rd brought a heavy snowfall to our area. Having always lived in places where it would snow anywhere from November to April, I couldn't imagine living without it despite Joe's assurances that it didn't snow in Carmel. After work, I surprised Anna at her house and asked her to come out for a walk. We both knew it would be only a short time before we would walk beneath palm trees and not snow covered maples, oaks and cedars.

Anna was happy to escape her house for a while. Though she fancied herself a bit of a rebel, she felt incredibly guilty keeping our plans from her parents. She withdrew more and more, fearful that she might let it slip. We spent a lot of time at the movies, the library and just walking around to keep out of our houses.

With a few slips here and there and a lot of laughter as we tried to keep each other upright on the slippery sidewalks, I navigated us to the park where she first told me she was pregnant. I brushed the snow off a bench near the tree we sat under that summer day and put a blanket down so that we could sit comfortably for a while.

'What a beautiful night,' Anna remarked, her face turned toward the sky with her eyes closed, jumbo snowflakes melting within an instant of hitting her warm face.

'It's hard to believe that there are places in the world without snow,' I laughed. 'How do you think they mark the changing of the months without snow or fall? How will we know it's Christmas without the snow?'

Anna sighed, turning toward me. 'I think I will miss fall the most. There's nothing more beautiful than a sunset against red, orange and yellow leaves.'

'Mmmm,' I murmured as I pulled her close to me, resting my head on her hat which instantly soaked my cheek. 'I promise, as soon as we can afford it, we will move back here. Or move anywhere that has the seasons as God intended.'

Snorting as she laughed, Anna took my hand in hers. 'What is with you and your God talk? The way you slip it into conversations so casually sometimes catches me by surprise. Should we be going to church more regularly?' she teased.

Laughing in spite of myself, I felt compelled explain my thoughts. 'How can you not be moved on a night like tonight?' I gestured at the sky. 'Millions of miracles are falling all around us.' Wrapping my hands around her belly, I moved my mouth close to her ear, dropping my voice to a whisper. 'You carry one with you everywhere. I cannot believe that all of this is just happenstance. Something, someone is guiding us. I believe I was lead to you.' I took her mittens off and held her hands in mine. 'I cannot ignore the calling of things that were meant to be, or ignore the one who calls us to them. _We_ were meant to be. Forever.' Taking a delicate gold ring with a small, single diamond out of my pocket, I turned her hand over in mine and placed it in her open palm. 'Tell me you hear that calling too. The call that we are to be together forever. Marry me Anna.'

It was a feeling of déjà vu. I held my breath the same way I did four months ago when I expected her to tell me she wanted to break up with me. Only now, I was afraid that she would say no, we weren't meant to be, that this was a foolish plan, and what on earth were we doing. Cold air stung my lungs as I took in a sharp, welcomed breath after she turned to me and whispered,

'I hear it too.'

We held on to each other, listening to the soft sounds of miracles swirl around us.


	5. Chapter 5

December 26th went exactly as we thought it would. There was a considerable amount of swearing, crying and begging. Both of our families cursed our carelessness, cried over the loss of the lives they thought we'd lead and begged us to reconsider. We stood firm, restating our plans over and over until everyone was hoarse.

My folks were only slightly less angry than Anna's. There was a pause when they heard that we would be moving in with Joe and his family. They had little ground to stand on, as they knew the outcome of Joe's similar situation. Though they couldn't argue much when reminded of Joe's story, they still expressed their displeasure with glares and alternating bouts of silence and yelling.

Anna's parents were much less comforted by the details of our arrangement with Joe. They blamed me and my 'no-good-low-moral-standards' family for the situation and for coming up with such a ridiculous scheme to remain together and keep the baby. I assured them that our family was just as unhappy with us, but, regardless, this was our plan and our plane would be leaving at 7:00pm. With nothing more to say regarding our plans, well nothing good to say anyway, I took my life in my hands and asked her father's permission to marry his daughter. Holding out the consent form, I could see my hand shaking uncontrollably but could do nothing to stop it. The silence was choking me and I would have died a very painful death if looks could kill.

Anna's dad slowly rose from his chair and took the papers from my hand. With a baleful look at us, he signed them and left the room without another word. Her sobbing subsiding considerably since we broke the news, Anna's mother also signed the papers and handed them over to us. She gave Anna one last look so full of heartbreak that I felt intense pangs of guilt ripple through my body. She kissed her daughter's forehead and walked out of the house.

Bless her soul, Anna didn't break down until we reached the airport. She was as strong as she could be in the presence of family that would only judge and accuse, but when it was just us in a quiet airport waiting for our flight, she cried in my arms until the last boarding call was announced. Leaving behind a trail of broken hearts and the splintered dreams that others had once conjured for us, we walked onto our plane bracing ourselves with silent prayers for mercy.

--

Arriving in California at 10 o'clock our time, we were wiped out from the days events. We slept most of the way to Joe's house and didn't wake until after 9 am their time. Carol fed us until we begged for mercy. Under the circumstances, Anna and I had both expected to take a few weeks to settle into the household, but it merely took an hour. The children adored Anna, as she got down on the floor to play with them, reading stories and singing songs. Choking up for a moment as I watched her with them, I could easily envision us with a house full of children all playing and laughing together, Anna and I in the center of it all.

Joe and Carol were both so laid back in their nature that you couldn't feel uncomfortable around them if you tried. They laid out their schedules for us, asking us if we could help with the child care and housework during their busy times. We eagerly agreed. Joe also told me about the boys-only highschool he had enrolled me in, a local historic landmark, called The Junipero Serra Catholic Academy. He also had a friend who owned a hardware store who needed a worker part-time. Again, I felt tears of appreciation stinging my eyes as I threw my arms around Joe and Carol.

'Thank you so much for everything,' I gushed. 'This wouldn't be possible without you.'

'There's one last detail we've arranged for you Dom,' Joe grinned. 'How do you feel about getting married on New Year's Eve?'

Anna and I looked at each other, our smiles so big our faces hurt.

'Sounds like a great way to end a year,' I replied.

'And a perfect way to begin a new year,' Anna added, taking my hand in hers.

And so that was how, in a small ceremony in their house, Joe's friend Alex, a local judge, married us with Joe and Carol as witnesses. The children ran around yelling their congratulations as we kissed. The sense of belonging and family and hopefulness carried us into the new year and the beginning of our forever.

--

The routines came about quickly. I would be off to school first thing in the morning, heading to work 3 nights a week and Saturdays. Anna would help Carol get the kids ready for school, then do some cleaning around the house. Worried about missing school, Anna would read books off my reading list, listening intently as I tired to explain my homework. While she missed her friends and, to a lesser degree, her family, Anna found herself so busy that she couldn't be homesick for too long before one of the kids reeled her in for homework help or an intense session of playing house combined with cops and robbers.

After dinner we would escape to our apartment in the basement. It was small, but just what we needed. A lot of our time was spent on the couch together reading or watching Anna's belly jump and swell as the baby moved in impossible ways. We were open and honest about our fears of having a baby while we were still so young, wondering how we would finish school and find careers while trying to be good parents. It seemed unattainable at times, but the 'honeymoon' phase of our relationship would take over and we'd convince ourselves we could weather anything, so long as we were there for each other.

Towards the middle of February, the great name debate began. We would spend hours debating names, including at the dinner table where the children felt compelled to offer their suggestions, including 'Sparky', 'Fluffy', and 'Tippy'. Perfect names if we were giving birth to a cat or a dog.

'A girl's name has to be every bit as strong as a boys name, yet also leaving no mistake that she is a girl,' proclaimed Anna one night.

'Let's make it simple. Dominic for a boy, Anna for a girl." I suggested. My suggestion was met with a glare.

'How about Agnes?' she asked. A quick look at my face gave her my answer. 'What? It's a family name.' She retorted.

'Pass. What about Alexander for a boy?' I could see her turning the idea around in her head.

'Could we add Joseph as the middle name? I think it would be a very fitting tribute for all of the help he has given us. Especially if they're going to be the godparents.'

I nodded my agreement. 'I really like it. Joe'll love it. That leaves us with the need for a girl's name.'

We threw names back and forth until it was time for bed. We both dreamed of names, debating them over breakfast and again over dinner.

'Tricia? Alice? Nicole? Joan? Jane? Mildred?' Anna made a face at that last name. 'Well, you like family names. Mildred is my grandmother's name.'

Anna shook her head. 'No. What about Brenda? It's strong, yet feminine.'

I shot that down too. 'Why don't we just wait and see what we have. If it's a girl, maybe we'll be inspired when we see her?'

Anna sighed with exasperation. 'Dominic, this child will not have a name written across her forehead when she comes out. We need to be prepared before she comes.'

I looked at her curiously. 'Do you think it's a girl?'

'I don't know,' she quickly replied, her cheeks reddening. 'It's just that it's always a girl in my dreams. I guess it's just a habit thinking of 'it' as a 'her'. And if it is a girl, I would like to have a name to give her when she arrives.'

Pausing for a moment, I racked my mind for inspiration. 'How about Susan?' I suggested. 'We both have aunts named Susan and wouldn't Suzie be thrilled to think you named the baby after her,' I said, referring to one of her best friends.

Anna thought for a moment. 'Hmmm. Susan…..I'll put that on the top of the list.'

I smiled at the thought of a baby girl. All pink ribbons and dolls. Hopefully she would not inherit her mother's temperment.

'How about a movie tomorrow night after work?' I asked. _Through the Looking Glass_ had come out two weeks ago and I knew Anna wanted to see it. We had been so wrapped up in school, work, helping Joseph and Carol and trying to ready ourselves for the birth that it seemed we didn't really do anything for mindless fun.

'That sounds fantastic!' Anna sounded thrilled at the thought. 'I'll let Carol know right now that we will be out tomorrow.'

--

I whistled all the way home from work. The hardware store was only 3 blocks from home. We would have enough time to quickly eat and make it to the early show. We were both so tired lately that I knew we wouldn't be able to stay awake for the late show.

The driveway was empty when I arrived home. I thought it was a little odd for 5:30, but thought maybe Carol and Joe were running late for dinner. I didn't notice the drops of blood on the front porch until I bent over to pick up the keys that I dropped. I looked at them thinking, '_one of the kids must have hurt himself'_. That's what I was thinking, but I instantly felt the dread rise in my chest as I threw open the door, calling out and receiving no reply. Following the trail of blood through the house, my stomach lurched as I realized they lead to the basement door, the door leading to my apartment. My legs were rubber as I went down the stairs slowly. Following the trail to the couch, my legs gave out as I saw a pool of blood on the couch cushion.

It took me 2 minutes before I could summon the strength to stand. As soon as I knew I wouldn't fall over, I ran through the house and out the street, making it to the hospital in 7 minutes on foot. I ran into the emergency room, heart pounding, eyes bugged out of my head looking for Carol or Joe. Spotting the admitting desk, I spit out names so quickly I wasn't sure the nurse would understand, but she was able to interpret my words without difficulty.

'The maternity ward. Fifth floor,' she said, pointing to the elevator. I turned on my heels and ran without a word of thanks.

Carol had the kids in the waiting room, no doubt waiting for me. The look on her face relayed so much information that I didn't, I couldn't say a word. I sank down in a chair trying to keep myself from vomiting on the waiting room floor.

The kids were silent. They all looked to me, expecting me to say something. I couldn't find it in myself to say anything to them. I held my head in my hands, eyes on the floor.

'Joe is there with them now Dominic.' Carol stood facing me, hands on my shoulders. 'We got her here as fast as we could.'

'It's too early,' I moaned quietly. ' The baby isn't supposed to come for 7 more weeks.' I couldn't control my breathing. It was becoming erratic, the tears marring my vision of the linoleum flooring.

'They'll do all they can,' she whispered.

Just three minutes passed before Joe came into the waiting room. I didn't look up. I couldn't. I just stared at his shoes, willing myself not to throw up or break down in front of the kids.

'Dominic,' Joe began so softly I could barely hear him through the pounding in my chest and ears. 'Dominic, they couldn't stop the baby from coming. The baby—it's alive but barely. She was born too soon and there's nothing we can do. She won't make it through the hour.' I could taste the sadness in his voice. The acridness made me want to spit in his face. How could he tell me that my child would die? A miracle would disintegrate in front of my eyes. How dare he tell me that my miracle would not make it.

'Does Anna know yet?' I asked. The silence that followed seem to last for hours, but it was only a second.

'We tried everything we could to stop the bleeding. She lost too much blood. I'm so so sorry Dom. Anna didn't make it.' With his last sentence, he reached out to hold my shoulder. Carol burst into tears. The world began to spin with intense velocity. Somehow, I willed myself to stand.

'I want to see the child,' I stated simply.

'That's not a good idea Dominic,' Joe slowly replied.

'I want to see the child.' I looked him in the eye but could barely see him through the vertigo and tears.

'Dominic….' Joe started.

'I WANT TO SEE THE CHILD NOW. RIGHT NOW!' I screamed at the top of my lungs. My youngest niece and nephew began to cry. Out of nowhere, a security guard appeared.

'Is there a problem?' he asked Joe.

Joe regarded me carefully. He shook his head no. 'Come with me Dom. We'll go see the baby.'

Joe led me to a room next to the newborn nursery. Pausing for a moment, I looked in the window at the babies in their bassinets. Joe took my hand, leading me from the window into the next room. The nurse looked startled to see us, but Joe put up his hand to assure them that it was okay for me to be there.

The baby was so small, her skin so translucent, that I could see the delicate network of veins struggling to carry blood through her body. Rapid, ragged breaths escaped her lips and I knew, with no medical training at all, that she had only minutes left. I motioned to the nurse that I wanted to hold the baby. Hesitating for a moment, she glanced to Joe who nodded to her.

The infant was so light that I thought she might float out of my arms. I brought her to my face and whispered over and over that we loved her. I told her she had always been loved, from the moment we knew of her. I sung quietly to her as I noticed the fine red fuzz on top of her head, hands curled into tiny fists. I willed my tears to stay back so that I could memorize the details of fine features before she would be gone. Rocking her slowly while she continued to gasp, I prayed with all of the fervor of a man losing his own life. In my head, I made every deal known to man--begging for a reprieve, not for myself, but for this small miracle that needed a chance. Within a minute, hope was torn from me as she breathed her last breath.

Holding her for a minute more, I prayed for her soul to make it to whatever Heaven there might be. It felt like I was handing over my heart when I gave that small figure back to the nurse. I whipped around and walked out the door down the hall without looking back. Joe ran after me.

'Dom. Dom. DOMINIC!' he yelled, grabbing my shoulder and spinning me around to face him. 'You will get through this. We will help you get through it. I know that right now it may seem like you won't be able to, but you will. I promise you, you will.'

Joe reacted to my glare by quickly removing his hand. My whole body was shaking, though from anger, shock or sadness, I could not say. Taking a step back so that he could not reach out again, I spat out, 'Oh I'll get though it. I'll get through it my own way Joe. Thanks for everything.'

I didn't want my thanks to sound insincere. I really was thankful that he was there for Anna when I couldn't be. But sincerity could not find it's way into my voice. I turned once again, running down the five flights of stairs and out the door of the hospital.

With no idea of where I should go, the strong smell of the ocean hit me instantly. I ran to the nearby cliffs faster than I had run to the hospital. I was gasping for breath by the time I reached the look-out area. Every muscle in my body was aching. Throwing my head back, I screamed a string of curses heavenward. It was as though I had summoned the storm. The sky tore itself apart and began pelting me with rain. Looking to the ocean below, the waves swirled into a whirlpool formation, hypnotizing me. Suddenly, I could hear a new call crying out to me to follow. Without a second thought, I answered that call. I climbed over the rail and threw myself into the ocean below.


	6. Chapter 6

A thousand icy needles raked my body as I plunged beneath the surface. My arm scraped against a rock. The salt water stung the cut, my nose and my eyes. I hadn't realized the water would be so cold, but I couldn't care about the temperature for long. My body fought against my intent, every muscle, every cell screaming at me to swim upwards in search of air. Inhaling sharply, I felt the ocean enter my mouth and lungs. Trying to propel myself downwards into the depths, I could feel the weightlessness in my limbs. Beginning at the tips of my fingers and toes, the numbness traveled through my arms and legs, deadening every sensation I had, leaving my mind aware until the bitter end. My last thoughts were of Anna. I saw a light and her face flash in front of me before I succumbed to the merciful darkness.

Somewhere in the distance I could hear my name. Someone was calling me. Part of me knew I should answer the voice, but the warmth that surrounded me felt so inviting, pulling me down beneath woolen layers that began to muffle the sound of my name. There was a sudden thump on my chest and the woolen layers ripped apart. I could feel myself pulled away from the warmth into a cold that was not as bad as the sting of the ocean, but was still cold enough that I could feel myself gasping from the shock of it against my skin. My name was still being repeated but now it was up close and crystal clear.

I recognized the voice now. Anna was calling my name.

'Dominic. Dominic, please wake up. Please Dominic please!' Her voice broke off into a sob.

Willing my eyes to open, my throat burned as I forced out her name. 'Anna.'

'Oh Dominic….you're all right. Thank God,' she exclaimed.

'I am now.' Reaching for her hand, I suddenly realized how clearly I could see her despite the darkness. She looked exactly the same as the first day I saw her punching out a senior. She was so beautiful she glowed. Blinking hard, I looked at her again. She was literally glowing.

'Where are we? What is this place?' I asked. I glanced around, feeling wet sand beneath me. There was no rain now, but cold and dark was not exactly how I envisioned heaven. Nor did I picture being this uncomfortable in heaven. Oh well. Beggars can't be choosers. 'Are we in heaven?'

The worried look on Anna's face dissipated some, a faint smile tugging at the corner of her lips. 'No, it isn't heaven Dominic.' She chuckled slightly, no doubt reading my reaction. 'And no it isn't hell either. Not even purgatory.'

A thought suddenly dawned on me. A swell of euphoria began to rise within. There was only one other way I could see Anna if I weren't dead. I couldn't hide the joy in my voice.

'They were wrong then. How could Joe have told me that? You're alive. ALIVE!'

A tormented look replaced any traces of humour that was on her face a moment ago. She shook her head slowly and I could taste the despondency in her words.

'No Dom. I'm not,' she hesitated. 'alive.'

The blackness called out to me again and I willed myself to return to it. Closing my eyes, the sinking feeling rapidly vanished when I felt the front of my soaked shirt being yanked on forcefully.

'Oh no you don't. Don't you dare go there!' Anna shrieked.

My eyes snapped open again. 'I don't understand Anna. If you're not _alive,_' I wheezed out, choking on the word 'alive'. 'And I'm not dead, then what is going on? Am I dreaming?' I willed her to say that this was all a dream. Just a horrible nightmare and I would awake any minute now.

'I don't know how to explain it to you exactly.' She pulled me into a sitting position. 'But I know it will take a while to explain and even longer for you to believe. Let's get you somewhere warm and dry and I will explain it all the best I can.'

Anna helped me to my feet and we trudged across the wet beach. There was a motel half a mile down the road. The manager didn't ask any questions when I handed him two soaking wet twenties. I imagine he saw some odd things during his shifts and a soaking wet teenager was the least of the oddities.

It took 30 minutes under a scalding hot shower to feel warm. Fatigue weighed me down making it difficult to even walk out of the bathroom. Opening the door and spotting Anna on the bed instantly erased any trace of sleepiness I had just felt. My mind still felt foggy, however, as I tried to process what had happened in the last 4 hours.

Sinking down on the bed next to Anna, I could feel an overwhelming melancholy settle into my throat mixing with the hoarseness induced by swallowing too much salt water. The words that fell from my mouth were raspy and awkward as I grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes.

'How….What……I don't understand.' Marveling at the aura she cast, I traced her jawline, resting my palm against her cheek. Her expression was completely undreadable. She looked down for a moment, then looked back into my eyes while her hand reached up and held mine against her face.

'What I have to tell you is completely unbelievable. I know you won't want to believe it,' she began. 'But if you think back to some of our conversations, some of the things you told me you believed in…..miracles and being called…..'

She pulled my hands into her lap and told me everything she could about what happened. And she was right. I didn't believe any of it.

She told me that what had happened with her and the baby was inescapable. It would have happened no matter what I, or anyone else, did. They were both 'called' from the earth at the time that was right for them, even if it seemed unfair. She also said that it wasn't my time yet, no matter how much I wanted it to be or willed it. I was meant to live.

'How do you know all this?' I snapped. How could she be so cavalier talking about her death and the death of our child. 'Did God tell you? How do you know all of this?' My voice was acidic in its tone.

Instantly I could see, even though she was dead, Anna could still get really really mad.

'I don't know how I know this,' she yelled. 'For God's sake Dominic. In the last 5 hours I have lost our child, died, had to basically save you, as well as explain it all to you. Cut me some slack.'

'I'm sorry Anna. It's just…..it's just so much,' I said quietly.

The defensiveness left her tone and posture. 'I know it is. Believe me, I know. But,' she said hesitantly, 'there is more that you need to know. Even though it wasn't time for you to die, your brush with death has come with a price tag. You're a mediator now Dominic. You can now see….the dead.' She paused, waiting for me to ask the questions she knew I would have.

Unfortunately, the words stuck in my mind. I couldn't string them together coherently, either from exhaustion or information overload…it was hard to tell. Anna continued, trying her best to explain my new role in life and her role in mine.

'I am here only temporarily.' Her voice was sad, yet her tone was firm, as though she wanted me to understand this clearly. 'I will help you get through this Dominic. I am here for you now, but cannot remain with you forever. We will both need to move on.'

Panic flared in me. 'I won't make it without you. Please don't leave me!' I cried.

Anna gathered me in her arms the same way I would gather her when she was upset.

'Hush now,' she murmured into my ear. 'It will be some time before we need to think about it….' Her voice trailed off as I allowed sleep to take me into its fold and grant me a reprieve for the next 12 hours.


	7. Chapter 7

I returned to Joe's house late the next day. Their faces told me that they had slept little in the last 24 hours. The children were at the neighbors, leaving the house eerily quiet. I had the chance to step one foot in the living room before they engulfed me in their arms. Carol sobbed quietly while Joe held me so tight that I could barely breathe. Anna stood by the window, her face a picture of regret and sorrow.

More than anything, I wanted to sink into their arms, allow them to hold me up and carry me to a place where the pain would become smaller and smaller until it was only a pinprick of numbness. But I couldn't let that happen. I needed the pain, the rawness, the open wound that would to keep me tethered to Anna—both her memory and her spirit. I was afraid that the moment I let myself believe that everything would be all right, she would disappear. And I wasn't about to let that happen.

Taking a step back out of their embrace, I steeled myself for the questions I knew would come. Where had I been? Was I okay? Had I contacted my family? What did I want to do for the funeral arrangements?

At the mention of the word 'funeral', my legs went out from under me, quickly followed by my breath. I crumbled to the floor. Anna appeared beside me and I held out my hand to try and ward off the help I knew that Joe and Carol wanted to give. I pulled myself together and slowly rose back to my feet, supported by Anna. Unable to speak, I slowly shook my head, keeping my eyes on the floor.

'We'll take care of it Dom. Go rest.' Joe hesitantly reached out his hand and squeezed my shoulder.

Shaking free from his grasp, I slowly moved to the apartment, noticing that there were no more traces of blood on the floor. The stairs were clean as well and the couch was missing its cushion. Unable to lie in the bed that Anna had laid in with me, I positioned myself on the living room floor. Anna took a blanket and covered me, then took me in her arms once again while I drifted into a world where the limits of life and death did not apply.

--

Joe informed my family and Anna's family as to what had happened. Her parents wanted the bodies to be returned to Michigan to be buried near them. I didn't argue—they deserved to have some small amount of closure. They were kind enough to keep the name that I gave the child and buried her and Anna together.

My mother begged me to return home, but I couldn't bear to go back to the beginning. Instead, I turned into myself. I became a living ghost, haunting school, work and the house. I ate bowls of bitterness for breakfast, lunch and dinner, washing it down with heaping amounts of Jack Daniels.

True to her word, Anna wouldn't leave my side. She stayed close to me no matter where I went, all the while trying to keep me from slowly destroying myself. Most of our conversations would end with both of us breaking into sobs while I fell into fitful states of sleep.

For the first 2 months, Joe and Carol believed that I needed the time to work through it. They were supportive and got only as close as I would let them, which was about arm's length away. Then came the rounds of psychiatrists and counselors. The walls and floors in the house were thin and both Joe and Carol had caught me talking to Anna. I literally was talking to her, but they, of course, could not see her. With Joe's connections at the hospital, he had a line of people waiting to talk to me. Unfortunately for them, I was not talking. I would literally sit silently hour after hour in different offices while they all tried to work their magic. It will all end in the same way—low whispers to Joe about tranquillizers, shock therapy and other treatments that I knew would not work.

It was at about 4 months after my plunge into the Pacific that the ghosts began to materialize. Every week, sometimes twice a week, they would show up. At work, on the street, at home. They all asked for help--usually nicely, sometimes aggressively. I ignored them all—no matter their cause or reasons. If I wasn't going to help myself, I wasn't going to help a complete stranger whether they were dead or not.

Anna made every attempt to intervene. For months, she would beg along side of them. She would whisper to me when she thought I was asleep, when I was awake and in all states of drunkenness that I found myself on a daily basis. But I wasn't having any of it.

'They need your help Dominic. That's why you were given this gift—to help them. Help them so that they may leave this earth in peace. Dominic….' Anna's voice was tortured.

I knew what I was doing to her. I didn't want to make her feel sad or bad or guilty. It wasn't her fault that things turned out the way they did, but I couldn't find it in me to try. I had truly given up.

'I don't want this gift.' My voice and words were like venom. 'Tell whoever it is that gave it to me to take it back. Take it all. Tell them to take me too!' My voice turned to pleading. 'Please tell them to take me too….'

'Enough Dominic! That's enough!' She screamed so loudly that I was about to shush her before she woke the family--until I remembered that they couldn't hear her. 'You aren't dead. I am dead. Me. Not you so stop acting like you are. Start living again dammit.'

I was stunned. Anna had been mad at me before, but she hadn't ever let loose like this. There were no words left in me to retort.

Her face softened as she pleaded. 'You are slowly killing me Dominic. I know, bad choice of words,' she said, holding up her hands in surrender. 'I cannot watch you do this to yourself any longer. It is tearing me up inside. There is nothing I have done that has made any difference. I am going to leave you for a while so that you can have a chance to think a little more clearly.' With those words, she began to shimmer and fade.

'Don't leave me,' I cried. 'I can't do this without you. Please stay Anna.'

Her sad smile told me that she wasn't going to. 'I am not leaving for good. You need some time to think about life without me hanging around.' With that, she disappeared.

'Nooooo!' I cried out to an empty apartment as I crumbled to the floor and fell into a stress-induced sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

I don't know how long I was asleep before I was awakened by a poke in the ribs. I slowly opened my eyes and noticed that the person who had poked me was glowing.

'Anna,' I breathed, quickly sitting up. It wasn't a second before I realized the individual in front of me was definitely not Anna.

A young man kneeled before me. I guessed him to be about my age—17 or 18. Dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with dark brown hair, he raised his eyebrows and nodded his head at me.

'You the mediator?' he asked.

'I'm not anything,' I replied.

'That's not what I've been told,' he shot back.

'You've been sadly misinformed,' I said as I rose to pour myself a drink.

'That stuff'll kill you,' he replied, nodding to my bottle.

'That's the idea,' I told him.

'Nice attitude,' he said, folding his arms across his chest. 'Look, I need you to do something for me.'

'I don't do anything for anyone.' Why wouldn't they all just leave me alone?

'I don't know what your problem is, but I need you to get a message to someone for me. It's important.'

'I'll bet it is,' I sighed. 'But I happen to be very busy at the moment.' I took a nice long drink to show him just how busy I was.

Eyeing me warily, he shook his head. 'Look, I am afraid of what someone is going to do if you don't deliver a message for me. This cannot wait. You are going to help me, and you're going to help me NOW!' His voice had risen exponentially and his last word echoed in my ears.

I was mad now. 'I don't know who you are, nor do I care. I am not helping you or anyone else who might feel like showing up in my home. End of discussion.' I took another long drink figuring that he would disappear any moment now. I was very wrong.

Slapping the glass of whiskey from my hand, he reached over and grabbed me by the ear.

'Oh, you are going to help me, and you're going to help me this instant.' He proceeded to hang on to my ear and pull me towards the door.

'Hey! What do you think you are doing?' I asked, swinging my arm out to try and push him away. 'Where are you taking me?'

'I'll explain along the way,' he said grimly. With that, he pulled me out of the house and we were on our way.

--

True to his word, the young man, who informed me his name was Mark, told me why he wanted me to help him while he quickly drag me through the streets. Two months ago, he and his buddy, Eric, had been out drinking when they decided to hang out by the cliffs and watch a storm roll in. They'd had a lot to drink by the time they got there, and continued drinking for another hour or so after they had arrived. Standing on the cliff edge, they threw rocks garbage into the ocean and screamed as loud as they could, only to be drowned out by the wind and the waves crashing below. Horsing around, as guys have been known to do, they started pushing each other, each threatening to throw the other in. Suddenly, a crack of thunder sounded, startling Eric. He whipped around, his arm accidentally clipping Mark in the chest and throwing him into the ocean below where he hit a rock and was killed instantly.

Over the last 2 months, Eric had become increasingly depressed, unable to let go of the blame he heaped upon himself for the accident that had ended his friend's life. Mark told me he had been upset when he figured out what had happened, but knew it was a mistake. He stuck close to Eric when he saw that his friend wasn't coping with his death very well. Tonight, Mark watched Eric write a goodbye note. That was when he came to find me.

'He's going to kill himself,' Mark told me, his words falling out jaggedly as he tried to keep himself from crying. He was devastated by the effect his death had on Eric. 'Please, you've got to tell him that it was a mistake. I don't blame him. Please tell him.'

I had begun following Mark on my own volition. When we rounded the final corner, I realized where he was leading me. Without my knowing it, he had led me to the lookout area where I had jumped almost a year ago.

My blood ran cold when I saw a figure standing on the edge of the rocks. Afraid I would startle him, I called out before approaching.

'Eric!'

Eric whipped his head around to look at me, a puzzled look on his face. I approached slowly, my hands out in front of me.

'Eric, I know what you're about to do,' I began, unsure of how much I should tell him. I had been this desperate once—what would I have wanted to hear? Settling for the truth, I proceeded. 'It was an accident. A horrible accident. You didn't mean to push Mark. You were both fooling around and he fell. You cannot blame yourself. And you can't do this to yourself. He wouldn't have wanted it.'

Eric's face contorted in pain. 'Who the hell are you? How would you know what he would have wanted? I should have jumped in after him. I should have gone then too. I'm going to fix it now.' He turned his back to me.

'I know what he would have wanted because he told me,' I shouted out above the sound of the wind. 'He came to me tonight and asked me to come here to save you. He doesn't want to see you end up the same way he did. He wants you to live.' I had gotten close enough to grab Eric, but was afraid that my touch would cause him to jump.

Sinking down on the rock, shoulders hunched over, Eric began to weep. 'It should have been me, it should have been me, it should have….' he repeated softly over and over.

Feeling safe enough to reach out and grab him, I dragged his feet back over the edge, my arm slung around his shoulder.

'No,' I whispered softly. 'No, it shouldn't have been you. What happened, well, sometimes things happen for reasons beyond our control. Yes, you were there and you accidentally knocked him, but who's to say that he wouldn't have been in an accident on the way home? Perhaps when it is someone's time to go, they will end up leaving no matter what we might or might not do. I don't think it is really up to us….' My throat began to constrict as I realized the words I was speaking applied to me too.

My chest tightened as I stood Eric up and walked him away from the edge. Mark stood by watching worriedly.

'Do you think he would forgive me? Forgive me for my idea to go out drinking, then to watch the storm roll in? I never meant for any of this to happen….' Eric sagged against me and I could tell he was sinking from the weariness of the last two months.

Glancing over to Mark, who gave me a 'thumbs up' sign before disappearing, I continued walking with Eric toward the street.

'I can personally guarantee you that he forgives you,' I told him as we began the trek back to his house.

--

After dropping Eric at his home and speaking with his family, I began to slowly make my way home. My mind churned with the events of the evening and the last year. From out of nowhere, Anna appeared in front of me.

'Anna!' I cried, throwing my arms around her.

'Dominic. Oh Dominic, I am so sorry for what I did, for leaving.' Anna buried her head in my chest.

Pulling her away from me, I could feel a smile on my face. It had been so long since I smiled, if felt awkward yet familiar.

'It's okay,' I told her. 'It's okay. You were right. I needed a kick in the pants. And I got a swift kick tonight….' I launched into the story of Mark and Eric. Luckily, it was late enough at night that the streets were devoid of people so no one would see me talking to Anna, as they would really only see me talking to myself.

'I did it Anna. I helped Mark move on and got Eric some of the help he needed. It was such an incredible feeling.'

Upon speaking those words, I realized I could feel something. It had been so long since I could feel anything, or let myself feel anything that I didn't want it to go away.

Anna smiled at me. 'I knew you could do it Dom. You are an incredible person. That's why I love you, why I have always loved you.' Her words broke off as I grabbed her and swung her around.

'Think of all the good we can do together. All of the lives we can change, the souls we can help.' My voice, filled with hope, sounded foreign to me. I put Anna down and went to grab her hands, but my hands couldn't grab on to anything—they went right through her.

'What's happening? What's going on Anna?' I tried again and again to take hold of her hand, but couldn't.

Anna smiled ruefully. 'It's time Dominic,' she said with a sad smile. 'I have to go now. It's my time.'

'No. NO! You said you'd stay,' I cried. 'I can't do this without you. You promised me you'd stay.' I could feel the hope in my chest disappearing quickly.

Growing fainter by the second, Anna smiled. 'No Dominic. I said I would help you through everything. And you've made it. Maybe not all the way, but you've started to heal. I can see it in your face. I am so proud of you! You will be just fine Dominic. And I will always be with you, whether you can see me or not.' She made a motion to put her hand on my cheek, but I couldn't feel it. 'It's time for me to be with our daughter. I love you.'

I could barely see her outline as I whispered, 'I love you too. Kiss her for me.' And then she was gone.

Slowly scanning the streets for any signs of life, I noticed a Catholic church to my right. Seeing that the door was ajar, I made my way into the church. It was so late that I was sure that it had been left open by accident, but a priest greeted me as I entered.

'Good evening my child. How can I help you?' His voice was so soothing that I instantly felt at ease.

'I think I'd just like to sit awhile if that's okay with you Father.'

He motioned for me to go on in. I eased myself into a pew in the middle of the church. As I sat there, surrounded by stained glass pictures of saints, by crucifixes and candles, the events of my short life overwhelmed me. Son, friend, husband, father, widower, now mediator. It suddenly seemed to be too much. My knees hit the floor as the tears that I held back for so long flooded my eyes.

I'm not sure how long I knelt there weeping. When I couldn't cry anymore, I sat myself back down in the pew and, for the second time that evening, I felt lighter. Small seeds of hope were planted in blackness I had lived in for so long. In the stillness of the church, I could hear faint whispers of forgiveness enveloping me. Leaning back into the comfort of it, the whispers eventually turned into a new call that I resolved to answer.


	9. Chapter 9

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A special thank to those who have read all the way through! It sure means a lot. And thanks to the Monthly Mediator Writing Challege for inspiring me in the first place. You guys rock!

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Jesse breaks my reverie.

I watch as he approaches the front of the school then leans against one of the pillars as he waits for Susannah to finish her last class. Realizing I have been lost in thought since lunch hour, I give my head a little shake.

For the second time today, I prepare to run out into the yard to prevent a fight as I glance through the window and see Paul Slater walk toward Jesse. And, for a second time, the fight does not happen.

Paul extends his hand to Jesse. Jesse accepts it and they shake, then begin to talk and continue to converse until Susannah joins them. They both wave to Paul as they walk towards the parking lot. Yet, again, I marvel at the act of forgiveness. Through many long chats and a few confessions with Jesse, I have learned that, while he may not soon forget all that Paul has done to him, he has forgiven him.

It never ceases to amaze me what more I have to learn in this life, and the unlikely sources that are teaching me.

Pondering forgiveness a little longer, I could swear I can feel the icy fingers of guilt loosen slightly from around my heart. The whispers of forgiveness I heard so long ago in the church on the night that Anna left are calling out to me again, but this time they are coming from within.

A faint smile spring to my lips, I wonder if my resistance to grant myself some absolution for Anna's and the baby's death lies in my fear of forgetting. Am I afraid that forgiving myself will lessen their memories? Shaking my head in disbelief at myself, I know that, even if I can forgive myself entirely, there will never be any way that I will ever forget……

--

_Some nights there are the dreams of the everyday. Students, teachers, monsignors, spirits, the mission. A kaleidoscope of images that flicker in and out, my subconscious trying to cleanse itself and reassemble itself into proper working order. I awake feeling rested and ready to face whatever the day may bring. God only knows what each day might bring._

_There are the nights that I awake drenched in sweat, night terrors relentless in their images of the stillness of her body, her closed eyes, hair strewn about a pillow. I can hear her cries as she calls out in pain, in loneliness and in confusion, unaware of what is happening to her and I can feel the terror slowly creep in when she finally does realize that she is slipping away and I am not there to catch her. I remain awake for hours until my prayers come out hoarse while I mercifully fall back into a black abyss, devoid of dreams._

_And then there are those mornings that I awake, the tendrils of sweet sleep still licking my face. My eyes remain closed a little longer, and I can still smell that sweet baby smell and feel the weight of that child in my arms while I rock her to sleep for the first and only time before she slips away from this world. But before she leaves me, I softly sing to her the song that I named her for--the name that has Anna's name as well as the name we picked out together. _"Oh Susannah, oh don't you cry for me…"


End file.
